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Of course I had conversations with God in my head, but none of the books that I read described these conversations as prayer. The conversations were also quite one-sided, because I told God what he/she needed to know about my life. Listening to God did not even cross my mind,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], because at the time I thought “If I cannot see God, then I also cannot hear God”. I intuitively knew that there must be something or someone out there, but the thought that this someone or something was able to actually speak to me was too far-fetched for me to accept.
There was a time when meditation or no meditation was a serious question for me. I come from a Protestant background where in my view (which is admittedly biased) prayer was a practice of reciting important-sounding words. I struggled for years with the concept of prayer. It did not make sense to me that in church other people should pray on my behalf,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], but then I thought that was just me being the rebel again,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], and I kept quiet about it.
You will agree with me that having a one-sided conversation is quite lonely, especially when you want reassurance in times of need and encouragement in challenging times. All the time I felt a need to confirm that there is someone on the “other side” that was hearing me.
I kept searching and was introduced to meditation. I tried it initially because it was not recommended in my culture
Outside of church I read books about prayer, and the prayers of other people. Still, there was this feeling inside of me that it is not quite right. Eventually I gave up on figuring out what prayer is about and just got on with life.